I have read Dr. Alex Loyd's groundbreaking new book, "The Love Code." Dr. Loyd's premise is that we are healthier, happier and more successful when we live our lives in truth and love. He also says the only way to achieve that is to overcome our faulty childhood shame-based programming.
I haven't met a person who doesn't struggle with shame. It's stealthy, lurking so deep in our subconscious that we barely know it's there. It's behind our defensiveness, self-loathing and fear. The voice in our head tells us we will never be able to do enough or be enough to measure up. Shame is the thing that makes us feel like failures and hide our authentic selves from even our closest loved ones.
Naturally, we can't live authentic lives if we hide behind a polished-up facade. Instead, we live in fear of folks finding out just how screwed up we really are. I have several degrees in people, so you can trust me when I tell you we are all a little screwed up. Wouldn't it be refreshing to be OK with that? That's what lives on the other side of shame; the ability to accept and love ourselves and others. What bliss!
In his book, Dr. Loyd has "reprogramming statements" designed to help us overcome our faulty, shame-based childhood programming. Here is one: "I desire and pray to give up the wrong beliefs of superiority and inferiority about who and what I am, to experience the truth about who I really am, which is fantastic, but no better or worse than anyone else." Hmm, how does that sit in your craw?
When I contemplated that statement, I realized I believed that if I saw the truth about others, I would see them as fantastic, but if I saw the truth about me, I wouldn't like it. Hello, faulty shame-based programming! There it was, just waiting to be revealed. I genuinely believe people are fantastic, and if they aren't behaving that way, it's only because they've been beaten up by the world and don't know God loves them. To believe that about myself and others is to walk in truth and love.
Francios du Toit says, "Man began in God. You are the greatest idea that God has ever had. When God imagined you, He imagined a being whose intimate friendship would intrigue Him for all eternity. God has always known us; now, in Christ He invites us to know ourselves even as we have always been known. Jesus is God's mind made up about mankind."
As a Believer, you live in Christ, and Christ lives in you. The Creator of sunrises, sunsets, full moons, mountains, oceans, color, and everything in this world that wows us finds His home inside you. That is the most factual statement that can be made about you. Anything that goes against that is not based on truth. It also means that you can only discover the truth about yourself by looking at Him. The Bible tells us that "as we behold Him as if looking in a mirror, we are changed more and more to His likeness."
There you have it, the antidote to toxic shame. Get your focus off you. Being self-aware is overrated because you won't like what you see. All you will see is your faults. By looking at Him, you allow God to change your gory to His glory!
• Cris Corzine-McCloskey is a licensed clinical social worker and director of Caring Counseling Ministries in Marion, a nonprofit that provides counseling from a Biblical perspective at an affordable cost. For an appointment, call (618) 997-2129.
