Add a giant gorilla to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's "The Lost World," then twist it into a fleetly edited, blistering political parable that also functions as the strangest cinematic valentine to the Chicago Cubs ever created.
That would be "Kong: Skull Island," definitely not just another clunky remake of the 1933 monster classic about an oversized simian and his screaming girlfriend.
We've seen a zillion movies like "Skull Island," but director Jordan Vogt-Roberts (known mostly for the teen comic drama "The Kings of Summer" -- go figure) cracks a whip over this genre piece, energizing the action and pushing the cast to squeeze fresh spontaneity from stale characters, all while maxing out the humor.
Character depth? No time.
Romance? No interest.
"Skull Island" knows what makes an old-fashioned monster movie work, mainly lots of monsters. Some fly. Some swim. Some have big teeth.
All of them like to eat humans, and when we accompany them to "Skull Island," the creepy creatures and constant surprises remind us of the first time we saw "Mysterious Island" or "Jurassic Park."
In 1944, an American war pilot and a Japanese war pilot parachute onto a seemingly unoccupied island where they try to kill each other.
Three decades later in 1973, the Vietnam War winds down as the Watergate scandal rises.
"Mark my word, there'll never be a more screwed up time in Washington," oddball U.S. operative Bill Randa (John Goodman) says.
Randa persuades the Nixon Administration to dispatch a military expedition to a mysterious South Pacific island surrounded by permanent storms that seal it off from the rest of the world.
Thirteen helicopters barely survive the storms. Then they confront Kong -- a superbly rendered, imposing figure from Industrial Light and Magic -- acting as the soldiers' personal Vietnam War in a disorienting flurry of quick edits and horrible screeching sounds to create an immersive battle sequence.
Among the survivors: British black ops Captain Conrad (a stiff, would-be 007 Tom Hiddleston), unstable commanding officer Lt. Colonel Packard (Samuel L. Jackson) and combat photographer Mason Weaver (Brie Larson), plus biologists Brooks and San (Corey Hawkins and Tian Jing) who know something secret about the island.
Jackson channels his inner Captain Ahab as Packard, the unhinged commander who swears to kill the gorilla.
It doesn't matter that Kong, the last of his species, has been anointed Mother Nature's guardian of the earth by preventing the beasties from leaving the island.
So, we have a military commander obsessed with destroying the very thing that protects his people. Could "Skull Island" be presciently commenting on a more recent screwed-up time in Washington?
The movie's Chicago Cubs tribute is handled by Chicago's own John C. Reilly, who pulls off a major cinematic heist by stealing this movie from his gargantuan co-star.
Remember the American pilot in 1944? In 1973, he turns out to be Hank Marlow, Reilly's scraggly old soldier with an untamed beard.
He provides the comic relief as a surprisingly well-adjusted survivor. He wants to be with his wife in Chicago where he misses drinking beer while watching the Cubs.
Hey, did we win World War II? Hank wants to know. Did the Cubs ever win a World Series?
Sorry, Hank, you'll have to wait a few more decades for that one.
