I have a grievance with Hollywood and the church for this marriage myth. Hollywood shoves the romance view of marriage on us, where we think that marriage equates passion and sizzle. And the church is guilty of peddling a marital recipe that, if followed, yields predictable results. After a decade of marriage counseling with a predominantly Christian clientele, I don't believe either one of those models is correct. Nothing is predictable in marriage, and the passion and sizzle, as wonderful as it is, eventually gives way to a less steamy, but more enduring, kind of love. If we aren't prepared for these changes, we become unhappy and want out.
At one time, I bought in to the idea that marriage is where people went to find their happiness, but now I believe God has a better idea. And while it is one that will lead to true happiness, it's not in the way we think. I believe that God uses marriage to teach us to die to self, accept and love unconditionally, forgive quickly, and rely on Him to get all of this done. In other words, I believe God uses marriage to teach us how to live out the gospel and make us more Christ-like. Moreover, while you may have heard that God cares more about our holiness than happiness, I believe that is rubbish, because God is a good Father, and knows that holiness is the only way to find true, lasting happiness.
Let's take an example that can be found in most of our homes: the husband not putting his dirty socks in the hamper. Believe me, I hear this complaint a lot from frustrated wives, and they see it as a sign of disrespect and unloving treatment. When viewed through that lens, this can become a real issue. But let's try reframing it through a gospel lens. Jesus said that He wants us to love one another the way He loves us. That pulls in the forgiveness card. How many times are we to forgive our spouse for those socks? Does 7 X 70 ring a bell? Then we remember that Jesus was the foot washer. Oh, geez. That means we are to serve without complaint. Jesus also accepts us where we are at, and wants us to do the same with others. To me, that is the true path to happiness in marriage, accepting our spouse and giving that person grace. After all, who are we, who have received so much grace and forgiveness, to hold a grudge over some socks?
Most people I come across admit that they can give more grace and kindness to an acquaintance than the ones they love; I promise you, that is the fast track to misery. God wants us to be happy, and He knows the way to get us there is by teaching us to live out the gospel. Selfishness and getting our own way feels great in the moment, but that creates a flesh-monster that needs to continually be fed. Conversely, picking up those socks while humming a stanza of "Jesus Loves Me" may feel awful in the moment, but it will produce a lasting peace in your marriage and begin a work in you that will lead to the kind of transformation God is looking for.
Hey believer, I have a question for you. Just how serious are you about living out your Christian faith? Most Christians I meet are pretty serious about it, but never consider the fact that the home is our first mission field. Our families are the people God lovingly placed in our lives to teach us to give grace and love unconditionally. They are on assignment, divine sandpaper that God uses to remove our yucky self-stuff and reveal His Son. Accept the transformative process for what it is, love and accept your spouse for who that person is, and you will learn true happiness.
CRIS CORZINE-MCCLOSKEY is a licensed clinical social worker and director of Caring Counseling Ministries, located at 1410 W. Chestnut in Marion. It is a not-for-profit corporation that provides counseling from a Biblical perspective at an affordable cost to Southern Illinois residents. To make an appointment, call 618-997-2129.
